to open the world and send it reeling

All of my life, I’ve been afraid. I’ve been afraid of doing anything that doesn’t automatically fit into what I consider safe. I like schedules and knowing what to expect, but I am working hard to become more spontaneous.

I don’t want to blame the way I am on my childhood, but my childhood did leave an impression on me.I’ve watched my sister fight to get out of the cocoons my father had made for us. My was never completely finished, especially since my parents got divorced; my sister, though, was placid from the beginning.

She was always his favorite daughter, even now she is. I hate how I have to say, “My name isn’t -.”

I don’t want to be like my sister. She fell into this asshole’s waiting arms, but she practically went to someone just as controlling. They say daughters marry their fathers, but I won’t. That’s not even the point of this post.

There is so many things I’ve become afraid of because of that environment, but I’m finished. I’m working on learning how to say yes more. I’m staying on campus for a weekend, which is something I never do. My friend is going to a concert that weekend and I don’t want to catch a ride from my father. Instead, I have plans with a friend that lives in the town of my university. She’s pretty excited, because you know, I’ll actually be on campus to make plans with.

She was asking me what I wanted to do, and I had no idea. I’m willing to try what she wants to do. She doesn’t know either, so I got so “desperate” that I was willing to go back to Kings Island. I was willing to conquer a fear, but the park doesn’t open until later. We’ll have to find something else to do. The point was that she had suggested we go to the opening day of the park, and I had told her no. Since I want to do something fun with her, even though it’ll scare me to no ends, I wanted to be brave.

My roommates and I are getting a new resident advisor on our floor. Something happened, and we’re not sure. We needed to go to the grocery, but we had to wait around for a RA on a different floor to come do our roommate agreement. Apparently they were due the next day, and our original RA possibly didn’t really care. Eventually, an RA comes and we fill it out while one of our roommates is complaining about her girlfriend.

We hightail it out of there. We invite another friend to go with the three of us, and finally, we get on the road for the grocery. Suddenly, we stop the car at a red light and all of us starts running around the car. We switch seats. We did something I had never done, and it was hilarious and exhilarating.

I was terrified, but I loved it. I loved how we ran, practically screaming, around the car as a cop car sat across the road staring. We’re going to do it next Thursday, and I can’t wait. I’m tired of being afraid. I want to feel my heart pounding from excitement instead of fright. Do something that scares you; you’ll be okay.

 

Love,

E. E.

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