life is cheap they say

I’ve been reading a lot.

Well, as much as possible, and that can be a bit hard being in university. I’ve been really into memoirs, and they actually help me understand things about myself.

I don’t like to return orders in restaurants, even if I know I was very explicit in my details when saying my order. I went to this restaurant last fall, around November. I asked for macaroni and cheese, and it was the most awfulest thing ever. It was covered in grease for whatever reason, and I physically could not eat it. I couldn’t bring myself to return it, and afterwards, I stopped at Wendy’s for fries. I felt so awful and regretted not asking for another. I should’ve asked for another, because I paid for it. This spring, I ordered a sandwich with mayonnaise. (I love mayonnaise.)  It had ranch instead. I asked for a different, but it took me a little bit to bring myself to do it.

I’m afraid of being alone. I want to meet someone who will be my best friend; the one I can tell everything to. I’m afraid that I won’t find that. I afraid that everyone thinks I’m too strange, too clingy, too much everything. Maybe I’m just simply not enough.

I put off things that I don’t understand. I typically do not procrastinate at all. I always like to get things done early, because that means I have time to myself and I’m not rushing. With this math class I’m taking, I’m putting it off until the last minute. I don’t like doing that, but I feel like it takes too much out of me. I don’t mind doing hard things. I actually like them, because it makes me work for the results.

This is not something I have realized recently. I am awful at math. I’m not even talking about the I’m bad at math, but I manage to get by. No, I always barely scrape through with a B, but this time on a huge test, I didn’t. I worked so hard on my test, but I didn’t make it. I’ve made so much progress this last semester in math, and that is something I’ve realized recently. My former ex-boyfriend is great a math, and over the course of a little under three years, he was never helped me this much. The tutor I have meet has been so wonderful with me, and I am so grateful of it. I realize I can be “decent” at it, and I have to work my ass off for it.

I have obtained this thing of not realizing the faults in people when I love them. There are some things I’ve noticed about my relationship with my former boyfriend, and I know now that I do deserve better than what I had. There is something that I did that I’ve never told anyone, and I don’t know if I will. I wished I had done something though, spoken up more. Next time, I hope I will. I won’t say that I will for certain, because I am a scared person; I hope future me won’t be as scared.

I won’t say that I haven’t had is awful compared to some people, but I can’t say I haven’t gathered some tightly laced stitches along the way. Given the opportunity to change the past, the only thing I would do would save my uncle from brain cancer. I wouldn’t change anything else, because the past has made me into the person I am today. Cliche and completely cheesy, but it’s the truth. I  have faults, but it’s impossible not to.


E. E.


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