a look in somebody’s eyes

I hate how can’t stop thinking about him.

Thinking of him has become such a subconscious thought. I’ll see something small, something insignificant, and I’ll think of him. No one else notices it, but I do.

I feel happy in my life, but I get so lonely. He was my best friend, and now, I’ve seen him with another girl. He moved on quick. It’s like I never existed. I don’t want to be one of those girls that can never get over a guy.

He just wasn’t any guy though. He had become such a pillar in my life, such an integrated person. Right now, I don’t want him anymore. If he came up to me and tried to act like he could just have  me, I couldn’t go on with a facade. I couldn’t pretend that every was okay, because it wouldn’t be.

If he ever came up to me now, he would have so much to make up for. I try to be a forgiving person, but with him, it was supposed to be different. I started this blog in hopes that he would somehow see it. It’s a completely unrealistic belief, but I hoped. I thought that if he saw just the initials and the web address, he would know it was me.

I don’t really care if he sees it or not now. I saw him today while I was re-reading The Book Thief, my favorite book, and my heart didn’t seize. It used to seize in heartbreak when I saw him, and before that, it used to flutter. I tried mustering some emotion, but I felt nothing. It was strange. I am a bit bitter about the girl I’ve seen him with, but I deserve to concentrate on myself.

I am concentrating on my relationships with my best friends and family. In the word of Hannah Baker from Thirteen Reasons Why (Jay Asher), “All of you cared, just not enough.” Sure, he cared for me, but I deserved more than what he gave me.

Love,

E. E.

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